


The Endless Pull Of A Merciless Sea

by oorsprong



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Castration, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, M/M, References to Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Pact, don't read this if you're having a hard time ok, joyless sex, no hope, no way out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-31
Updated: 2017-12-31
Packaged: 2019-02-24 15:46:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13216953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oorsprong/pseuds/oorsprong
Summary: Hux reflects on his former life as he navigates a new one.  One that he never saw coming.





	The Endless Pull Of A Merciless Sea

**Author's Note:**

> I've had this in my head since June and I finally had to get it out of my system. This is not canon compliant but based on TLJ only.

Hux stares out at the water, breathing in the heavy, humid sea air that compels him to keep their balcony door open at night.  Years ago it would have been an unthinkable risk.  Now that he and Ren are decrepit reminders of past glory the ranks of would-be assassins have thinned considerably.

 

And Ren is no less deadly with a ‘saber.

 

“I’m going for a walk on the top deck.  Care to join me?”

 

His companion rebuffs him with a barely audible grunt and rolls over in the bed.  He’ll sleep for days on end if Hux lets him-- a dreamless sleep no nightmares can penetrate.  Even so, the sea air will do him a world of good.  That’s why Hux keeps insisting on these little “vacations”.  It’s a welcome break from dreary life in the capital and Hux has almost as little interest in politics these days as his sullen partner.

 

The ship is an ostentatiously large pleasure cruiser with restaurants, shops, a casino, and a spa on board.  It travels the chain of islands known as the “Crown of Roeddai” in an endless loop, which is perhaps a more depressing fate than that of the now irrelevant former General Hux and the once-feared knight, Kylo Ren.  A perfect place for exile if there ever was one, Hux thinks to himself as he squints against the breeze that ruffles his hair.  The sunset over the water is particularly vibrant this evening, drawing a crowd of people to the stern.  He finds a deck chair tucked away in an isolated spot and turns his gaze to the darker swath of sky ahead of them.  

 

***

 

It had been good in the beginning: those early days when they sought out one another’s comfort in the wake of Snoke’s endless displeasure.  Sex was a secret place they created between them like a makeshift shelter.  Somewhere to go to survive the shifting landscape around them.  Ren worshiped Hux in the bed because the general gave him the affirmation Snoke wouldn’t.  Hux, in turn, grew fond of Ren’s presence.  They never spoke about that.  Never analyzed the wordless interactions between them, the gentle caresses and meaningful looks.  In those days Hux thought that such sentiments were beneath him.  In retrospect he might have voiced them.  Perhaps they would have changed something.

 

Hux has to admit to himself, when that thought surfaces, that in all likelihood it wouldn’t have changed a damn thing.  When Snoke decided Ren’s training was complete he summoned him away for a month.  The man who returned to the Finalizer was not the man who had tentatively kissed him goodbye that last morning as they lay entangled in one another, sharing solitude.  A real kiss-- most likely the first real kiss.  How Hux hated the way it softened him and stirred a fierce protective streak in his heart.

 

Because of the state Snoke left him in it was the last real kiss.

 

***

 

When Hux returns to the cabin Ren is gone, which is somewhat surprising and a little unnerving.  He wants to have believe that Ren’s absence means he’s taking interest in his surroundings again but it’s entirely possible that Ren has simply fucked off somewhere Hux can’t find him and will stay there in order to be fully alone with his miserable thoughts.

 

He orders a simple dinner of fruit and flatbread with dipping oils and eats it in his bed while he checks the evening news feed.  The galaxy is enjoying an unprecedented moment of peace.  The senate-- a puppet government installed by the First Order and maintained by those with a better head for politics than Hux-- convenes tomorrow over some trivial matter.  No talk of the Resistance on the public channel for five long years.  Dead or biding their time, Hux doesn’t care.  There will always be those who seek to undermine the First Order.  Hux deals with them from behind a desk safe in the heart of the capital city.  Every year the new empire grows more prosperous and every year he grows a little less interested.

 

Hux must have dozed because when he sits up in the bed Ren is watching him from a chair in the corner.  Watching him like a predator sizing up his prey.  This doesn’t alarm him, it’s second nature for Ren to view other people that way.  But it’s getting harder to re-establish trust every time.

 

“Where did you go?” he asks, trying to sound pleasant and unconcerned.

 

Ren says nothing and begins to disrobe and Hux sighs.  Tells himself he should be grateful that Ren is still giving into this urge.

 

“Yes, fine, alright.”

 

Hux goes to the bathroom so Ren can prepare himself in privacy.

 

***

 

By the time Hux finishes his knees are hurting from kneeling in position on the bed.  They can no longer do this face to face because Ren can’t bear to see Hux that way.  Specifically he can’t bear to look at his penis.  Hux is careful to pull out quickly and wrap himself in a robe.  Give Ren time to recover while hiding the offending organ from his sight.

 

He wasn’t sure, after what Snoke did, that they’d ever be able to do this again.  The night Ren stood before him on his return and showed him the scar he felt a helpless rage.  Of course Snoke had taken it from him.  What did his apprentice and personal soldier need it for?  For fucking his general?  A weakness, Ren said, eyes downcast.  Ren promised it was for the best  He’d be free of what kept him from achieving his potential.

 

When Hux recovered from the shock of it he made some pathetic attempt to comfort Ren.  Found himself rebuffed-- no surprise there.  Perhaps he should be grateful that Snoke hadn’t asked for him to submit to such treatment as well.  

 

Ren still maintains that he agreed willingly.  That he saw the wisdom in it.  Hux only wishes he didn’t have the sweet memory of those nights that came before.  How they haunt him in aftermath of this hollow ritual.

 

***

 

Hux listens to the slow rush of the waves and the barely audible hum of the engine.  The night breeze brings the comforting smell of the sea and he knows he’ll sleep well.  He stares at the dark figure of Ren on the balcony.

 

_Hux._

 

It’s been so long since he's heard Ren’s voice in his head that the smallest, most hidden part of him reaches out like a man desperate for a drink of water after a long drought.  He pushes it back down.  Joins his partner on the balcony in silence.

 

Ren doesn’t seem to want anything from him and Hux wonders if he realizes he called out at all.  Or if it was some subconscious plea.  Another ghost of the past.  They stand together for a long time and Hux takes in the black ocean stretching out before them.  There’s no moon orbiting this planet but a few determined stars scatter their hazy light across the surface.  The water seems to hypnotize him; a quiet roar that speaks to eternity... and hunger.

 

He understands that the sea is hungry.  Has known it since he was a boy on Arkanis where all bodies of water seemed great gray mouths that would swallow a careless child in an instant.  But this water is inviting.  He fancies that it would be warm, despite the depth.  That the waves would submerge him quickly, wrapping around him like a liquid blanket and pulling him deep where the light couldn’t penetrate.  It would not be quick but it would be painless, perhaps.  In it’s own way.  Once his lungs stopped fighting.  He would be one with the sea and the sea would live and breathe inside him, keeping him safe from his thoughts.

 

“Hux.”

 

Ren is staring at him and Hux shakes himself.

 

“Don’t.  Please don’t.”

 

The words don’t carry much emotion but Ren’s eyes do.  That’s right, he’s still needed here.  Needed to keep a semblance of normalcy for Ren.  Needed for comfort.  Bitter comfort like the bitter tea he drinks every morning.

 

“No,” Ren says suddenly.  His hand comes down over Hux’s where it rests on the railing.

 

“When it's time,” the knight promises.  “We’ll do it together.”

 

Of course Ren is right.  Hux only offers him a weak smile and says, “Let’s go to bed.”


End file.
